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Pulling My Hand Away

I have been walking in this world for almost 50 years and I am fairly certain that I know which path is mine and which is not. It took a long time to get here, it took developing wisdom, knowing, and a lot of struggle to define my map. It still takes a lot of attention to keep aligned with my personal compass and continued preparation for the journey that lies ahead of me. Every day we must decide when we are going to say yes or no, to lean in, or if we are going to draw back.

I now know that I pull my hand away from certain things, like toxic people that have agendas that don’t work for me or “opportunities” involving groups, meetings, events, gatherings, committees, or sign-up sheets. I didn’t always have the strength or power to do that and I gave in to the expectations of others too frequently. When I reflect, I realize I did the best I knew how to do back then, but it did create stress and resentment. Pulling my hand back makes room for other things. I make a special point to pull my hand away, as if it was touched by fire from things like false guilt, ulterior motives, unkindness in others, and superiority. Now, thankfully, that snare has sprung and creative energy and the need to act on my sometimes lofty ideas often floods me. I know that someone else’s “enough” can be my “too much” and conversely, my “enough” can be “too much” for other people.

For decades, I thought having an herbal practice was selfish because I loved it so much, longed to do it, and consequently neglected other things. I think I also thought it was a bit weird and just saw it as a hobby. Maybe, it just took me a while to grow up, to learn to balance things better, and to realize it was okay if someone else didn’t get me and if I opted out of things that don’t work for me. So now, I have come home. To my apothecary, a place of healing and empowerment. Where I can take my hand and place it over my heart and feel gratitude and wholeness. How can pulling your hand away help you create your map?

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